Sibling Loss Awareness Day: Being part of the “forgotten bereaved” club and my personal call to action
Today is Sibling Loss Awareness Day. In all honesty, I didn’t know this day existed until this year despite the fact that I lost my older sister, Erin, in 2013. It wasn’t until this May I lost my other, younger sibling, Kim, that I learned about this day. Both of my sisters, gone, both by the age of 33. Sometimes writing it is as deafening as it is for me to read and say it. How do you explain to someone that you had two siblings, two sisters, and they are no longer on this earth? How do you even bring that up in a conversation? I’ve asked myself this a thousand times.
This year I learned that I became part of a club for which no one really wants a membership, I became a part of those siblings who have lost a sibling. I became a part of what is known as the “forgotten bereaved.” The kicker here is I’ve lost both of my siblings. This gives me a level of exclusivity and a sting I never anticipated. I found an article from Harvard Health Publishing about the challenges surviving siblings have at the loss of a sibling, and in light of Sibling Loss Awareness Day, I thought this would be a great moment to share them through my lens as well as my personal call to action as a result.The loss of two siblings is rarely discussed in the literature, and to date, I have found three other people who have lost two siblings like I have. Three. I’ve tried to process my experience, and understand the reaction of others. In sharing this I hope to provide others some insight on this type of loss, and give voice to others who have had similar experiences.
Probably one of the strangest experiences I’ve had so far is this feeling of a disconnected loss, as if I am disconnected from the loss compared to others who are also grieving. Some comments I have heard are: “well, you and your sister weren’t that close,” “you lived out of state,” or “my goodness, how are your parents?” Others didn’t or haven’t said much to me since my sister’s passing. This has caused me to have a disconnected and disjointed feeling as I grapple with my own grieving.
My biggest personal battle has been my survivor’s guilt. This has subdued over time, but I still ask myself, why am I here and not them. I also tell myself that I’m probably not the one that my parents really wanted to still be around. These thoughts can be overwhelming, and make me grieve even more for my parents.
With both of my sisters gone, I’ve had to confront and rethink my sense of self and identity. I no longer have a person in my life with whom I shared my childhood the way that siblings do, I don’t have the option to reminisce about then and now, nor do I have someone to help me with my parents.
While I have received support from those who love and care about me, there is still a disconnection with my grief. Most importantly though, I’ve also been called to do good things to honor and celebrate my sisters’ lives. My feelings may still be raw and unprocessed, but I have taken this call to action to help others find balance in all areas of their lives. This urgency has inspired me support and develop others so they can be their best selves. So while I may have become part of the “forgotten bereaved” club it has fueled my fire to take action.
